Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving