@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

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@BritXNic

I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.

@thebeckyard

I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

@Izianikapani

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

@TheDairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.