judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition