judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

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I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.


I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.


Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.


Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.


[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.


[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats


“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”


If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford


The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.