@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

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@Book_Krazy

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

@stevevsninjas

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

@noog

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

@DadandBuried

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

@jergarl

OMG
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
OMG
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else

-Dogs

@junejuly12

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

@abraveturtle

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

@madameanthro

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.