Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
man: you’re beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.