She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.