I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!