Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My time has come.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!