JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.