JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
You Might Also Like
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.