@chuuew
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
@matt___nelson
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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@chuuew
@UnFitz
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
@ThePhilFactor
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
@UnimpressedWU
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
@NORMALHUMAN4
To truly understand the impact of the boys being back in town, one must first examine the circumstances that led to the boysโ departure in the first place. In this essay, I will
@lawyerthoughts
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
@TheToddWilliams
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
@Cravin4
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
@chewlongkok_
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]