JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
You Might Also Like
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The biggest mystery of our time
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies