@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

You Might Also Like

@prontopup

Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.

@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them

@RaylaRimpson

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

@notmythirdrodeo

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

@GrantTanaka

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.

@CodyJP9412

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.