Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.