JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

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GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda


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ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?


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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]