judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
they really do be looking like this
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.