JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
quarantine day 3
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure