Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I would move hell over six inches for you
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]