public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.