@therealeatwood

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest

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@_NewLifeNow_

Lady walking her 2 dogs down the street.
Both her dogs poop in my yard.
I asked was she gonna pick it up.
She just looked at me and kept walking.

My question is this…

Was it wrong of me to pick it up myself?

Then throw it at her?

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

@simly01

Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?

@LeviathanPride

Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?

@Contwixt

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

@PaulShakeySharp

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@dubstep4dads

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

@Playing_Dad

[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.