If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences
[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]
COP: This baby camel is under arrest
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.