Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too