JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
🍞🦆
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.