Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.