My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
OMG 🤣🤣
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu