MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]