@SortaBad

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

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@truegritrumble

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@FloodyHippie

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@TheSadnesses

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.