Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong