judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years