Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.


There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.


Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*


A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.


I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”


My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”


My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side


PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense