TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
this FaceApp is creepy af
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.
“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
DAD: What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.
DAD: There’s no going back now
LMAOOOOO WHO TWEETED THIS?
Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.
Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”