@TheIronSherk

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

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@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@KentWGraham

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

@Kernsti

Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”

@LoriLuvsShoes

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend

@Sickayduh

DAD: What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.

DAD: Well…

SON: Don’t-

DAD: There’s no going back now

@CheetoBandito77

Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.

@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”