Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake