*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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I’m giving up for Lent.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”