Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

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“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
“Kanye Island.”
“Coney Island”
“Kanye Island.”
“Co… ney.”
“Kan… ye.”


[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home


9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!


I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.


“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED


[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*


doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!