“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
Judge: “Reason for divorce?”
Me: “Reconcilable differences.”
Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”
Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”
You Might Also Like
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!