Judge: “Reason for divorce?”
Me: “Reconcilable differences.”
Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”
Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”
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School supply list when I was a kid:
School supply list now:
Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.
*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard
*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.