My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?
Goldfish defendant: Yes.
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I’m gay. Send glitter.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz