To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?
Goldfish defendant: Yes.
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I’m just saying that innocent people don’t write songs to defend themselves.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.