[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
You Might Also Like
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Look at this
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.