@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

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@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

@Zombie_Kit

Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.

@impJOKER

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

@Scigglez

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

@Mormonger

My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?

Rent: $1,200
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz