@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

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@longwall26

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

@Man_Ona_Ledge

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.

@RegularFred

Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.

@mean_crow

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

@TheMichaelRock

I’m not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I’m just saying that innocent people don’t write songs to defend themselves.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.