JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

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I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.


as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.


Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…


She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..


Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:


me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait


Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.


I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in


wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him


me: ok so your mom’s a narc


Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?