*controversially pours a glass of milk*
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I unironically love this joke.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
the best thing i’ve ever made
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.