Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

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Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys


CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.


lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*


My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.


15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’


Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.


I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…


I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.


Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.


Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.