Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me driving through Toronto
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Seas the day!!!!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”