@Book_Krazy

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

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@squirrel74wkgn

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@LizerReal

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

@Marlebean

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

@Paxochka

I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.

@ScottLinnen

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

@iinkedZombie

Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.