JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
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My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me