7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
what it’s like dating me:
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Florida man
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.