[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My blood type is coffee.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!