@mortimermaiden

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

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@girl_a_whirl

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

@TheHyyyype

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

@dadopotamus

Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.

@TheHyyyype

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@StaceyShortcake

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

@Chumpstring

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

@AnnDabromowitz

WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad