The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad