Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste