@decentbirthday

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

@soulindivision2

Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

@_Shizzle

Had to have “the talk” with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@Sal0630

*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*

@WilliamAder

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

@CheckMeowTBruh

Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

@wickedblondeone

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.