Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.
Had to have “the talk” with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.
Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together
*looks under bed*
*shuts light, runs to bed*
*pulls covers over head*
*ice maker dumps ice*
*dies from cardiac arrest*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?
Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands
Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…
Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.