Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My blood type is b hungry.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I could NOT have put it better myself.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.