Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
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He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
Defense: I have a boyfriend
Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)