JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor


JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

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Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.


He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.


saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-culturally poignant


Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?


[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.


My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime


The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together


Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him


“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)