@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

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@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

@junejuly12

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

@sarahlostctrl

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@KayLee_CPT

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)