Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.