judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns