JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it