@dafloydsta

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

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@Statistar30

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@Contwixt

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

@nicky_prada

Lady one “What’s the worse thing your husband has said during sex?”

Lady two “Honey, I’m home”

@Playing_Dad

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

@noahapaul

this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten

@TheToddWilliams

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

@robfee

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.