*erases sword because it sucks*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?