JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Are you ok, human???
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.