JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
You Might Also Like
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s