Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
A French press is when you hug naked
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question