Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Weirdos gonna weird.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Brother?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.