judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
You Might Also Like
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
⚠️ Important Reminder:
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?