Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
2 years later
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.