@jctwritesstuff
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
@toomanytoes
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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@jctwritesstuff
@citizenkawala
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
@McNevich
Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING
@PyrBliss
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
@HansGrubertron
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
@MattOswaltVA
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
@AudreyPorne
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
@Darlainky
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
@FredTaming
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope