@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

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@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@smithsara79

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

@AnOrangeSNES

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

@TragicAllyHere

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

@onelongbender

Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.

@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

@jellybnbonanza

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.