@haikuplatypus
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
@toomanytoes
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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@haikuplatypus
@TheRealAlSnow
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
@thatdutchperson
[blind date]
Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..
Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*
@Jake_Vig
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
@De_ja_vu_who
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
@IamEveryDayPpl
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
@jenlaw_11
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
@slimmy_shady
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
@RachelNoise
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
@mommajessiec
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.