
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope