@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

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@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

@TheRealAlSnow

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*

@Jake_Vig

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

@De_ja_vu_who

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@jenlaw_11

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.