Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan