Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.