Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
real
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.