I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.