judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.


So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you


I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great


*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*


“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”


I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.


Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.


me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs


If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.