judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
President The Rock Obama
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.