Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.


Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys


Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.


My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.


Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?


Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’


[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.


Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?


I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.


I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.