If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
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*replies to all sexy dms with pics of my laundry pile
Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.
On 2. Go!
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Husband: Let’s role play.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!