Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Mad Max Arctic Road
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You sure about that?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.