@just1fool: My dog wouldn't shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.

@noog: The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@toastymoe: One of my co-workers just called the elevator a "vator". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...

@causticbob: I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like...watch.

@JohnLyonTweets: Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.