JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party